Creating Safe Spaces at Home for Mental Health Conversations

by: Kay Vardeleon-Binayas, RPsy

As we move forward the discussion about mental health among young people, I would like to share some thoughts regarding how we can create safer spaces at home to have conversations about mental health.

At the outset, I acknowledge that this may be a triggering post to read if you are currently experiencing depression, and I apologize in advance if my discussion will add to your pain. It is meant for general education and may not be suited for all situations. You can opt to not read forward if this is not a good time, or you can read through, notice and reflect on your reaction, and evaluate the words at a different time --- perhaps when you are feeling more regulated.

Discussion starts after the line.

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In the same way that I want to reach out to young people who felt invalidated by Senator Robin Padilla's words (he has since apologized, btw), I also want to reach out to our loving, well-meaning parents who don't quite know how to respond to the heated online discussion going around. I want to take the time to acknowledge that many parents who don't quite know "the right thing to say" are not necessarilly being intentional or cruel about it, but are coming from the best of places: love and concern for their children. We are all products of our time, and hence we frame our view of the world using the lenses we were taught to use.

But hoping here that a bridge can be built on curiousity, listening and mutual understanding of each person's point of view. Discussions about mental health are deeply emotional things, and often it is because of the 500 other things that are not being said. And when we make the effort to articulate and listen to that which are not said, then a genuine and hopefully healing moment can happen.

If you can pardon the amateur Canva, I made a diagram of what are being said, and maybe what are the things under the iceberg. And then I placed a broken line in the middle for boundaries that can be respected but with gaps for reaching out to the other side.

For parents who hear their children tell them they are depressed, it is worth acknowledging that it takes a lot of courage for our children to open up to us about how they are feeling. In a way, this is a moment that is worth celebrating --- your child considers you as a safe space and trusts you to be vulnerable. Already that is feedback that you have done something right as a parent. Something good is happening when discussion about mental health is ongoing --- and you are off to a promising start.

These conversations are also an opportunity to deepen that connection, provide support and guidance, and also set the precedence for future conversations. How we respond in every disclosure sets the stage for future conversations --- and more sustainable efforts to build resilience.

What would help during this time is to listen without judgment, acknowledge the reality of their experience, allow them to express what they feel without coming up immediately with solutions, and ask how you can be of help. It's okay to admit that you are not an expert in what they want to talk about, but that you are willing to be educated about it. Be willing to have the whole story told across several conversations --- resist the pressure to end the "issue" once and for all. And if you or your child feels that a screening with a mental health provider may be in order, make this step without fanfare --- it is no different from going to the dentist for a consult.

So instead of "nung panahon namin.." , "you are weak" , "you just need to pray more" , "kaya mo yan, mababaw lang yan" and the like, consider "Heto yung naririnig ko sa iyo...", "Thank you for telling me" , "I can hear that you feel [insert emotion]" , and "How can I help you?" There are many resources on what can help and not help in terms of responses; Google and ChatGPT can probably give you more suggestions.

As mentioned by many a position paper on the Robin Padilla diatribe, the world is different for our children. Bringing curiousity, compassion, and humility in the conversation are good starter points. Of course, educating ourselves about depression would take it more meaningful steps further.

And for young people, I also want to share that most parents, having grown up in the grit-it-and-bear-it era, are probably doing the best that they can to connect with you in the way they know how.

In my work as a clinician I have seen parents of young people with depression who break down in private as well, because they sincerely want to help, are worried about their children, and they feel helpless because they feel like they keep saying the wrong thing. The challenge in front of us is differentiating between our experiencing self (our self in the moment when we are within a difficult conversation) and our remembering self (our reflection about our life overall, during a time when we are more regulated). If we can, we can intentionally ( I say intentionally because this is really hard to do when you are in a depressed mood), look for evidence that our parents care about us. We need not generalize that temporary feeling of invalidation to a conclusion that we are necessarilly alone and unloved. Consider perhaps that maybe that is the depression talking.

We talk a lot about love languages and not all parents love with words, or affection, or the way we prefer. It's a tragedy, and does make us feel more wounded. Honor and validate that feeling. But when we feel more safe, perhaps we can also validate how our parents love us, maybe in a different way, through service, gifts, or quality time. We can tell them how we prefer to recieve love, but at the same time honor how they have been doing it all this time.

Since as young people living during a time when there are more efforts to increase mental health awareness, consider that we may be more educated than our parents in this area. Maybe it is up to us initially to make the effort towards teaching them or connecting them to resources. Space can also be created to appreciate that our loved ones also have pains, stressors, and struggles of their own --- timing well mental health conversations can also matter. And in the wait for our parents to catch up, perhaps we can also make use of resources available to us, such as the guidance counselors in our respective schools or our peer group.

Again, this post is a general guidance and may not apply to your situation. I know there are many young people who have tried all of the above and are still not feeling safe. Depression can be a long term, recurring concern, and it doesn't help when the environment does not provide the right support.

But my hope is, we can use this incident to shift the tone of the conversations. Empathy and mutual understanding is less likely to get viral, but it is has potential to close the gap.

CPPS provides professional and confidential counseling, psychotherapy, and psychiatric consultations for children, adults, couples, and families. Online and onsite sessions at West Avenue, Quezon City are available. To book a schedule, email us at kumusta@childfampossibilities.com.