It's a good thing that as of writing this article, many Filipinos on social media are weighing in on the importance of setting healthy boundaries at home.
Interpersonal boundaries are important in family relationships; they allow each family member to feel safe to be themselves. At the same time, they provide room for healthy communication and reaching out. Because the home is our first "social school," it is important that learning how to set and defend healthy interpersonal boundaries begin at home.
But this begs the question: what are healthy boundaries among family members?
It's easy to romanticize an absolute cut-off from family members that we find toxic. But a cut-off or a total break in communication/connection is also not a healthy boundary. Healthy boundaries have that great balance of reaching out, feeling connected, giving and receiving support alongside respecting privacy, allowing difference in feelings and choices, and functional conflict management. In short, healthy boundaries is less "I will no longer talk to you because of this problem" and more "We have this disagreement. I empathize with your point of view but I maintain my position. But I still care about you and recognize you as my family."
This is not to say that there are not circumstances where in an emotional cut-off is warranted or is situations where a total break is the healthiest option for all. But it bears being reminded that an emotional cut-off is also a dysfunction, it impacts all family members in both the short and the long-term. As such, it should only be considered as a last resort, when efforts to set healthier boundaries are exhausted.
Let's break down the differences between healthy family boundaries and emotional cut-off.
Healthy Family Boundaries
Purpose: Healthy boundaries help individuals maintain a sense of self while interacting with family members. They ensure that relationships are respectful, supportive, and sustainable.
Characteristics:
Respect for Individual Needs: Everyone’s needs and limits are acknowledged and respected.
Clear Communication: Boundaries are communicated openly and clearly.
Mutual Understanding: There’s an effort to understand each other’s perspectives and maintain a balance between personal space and closeness.
Flexibility: Boundaries can be adjusted as relationships and circumstances change, but they’re always about mutual respect.
Self-Care: Healthy boundaries support personal well-being and prevent burnout.
Example: Setting limits on how much time you spend helping family members so you can also take care of your own needs and responsibilities.
Emotional Cut-Off
Purpose: Emotional cut-off often occurs when someone distances themselves from a family member to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or conflicts. It’s a way to escape or disengage rather than address underlying issues.
Characteristics:
Avoidance: It’s often about avoiding painful emotions or conflicts rather than resolving them.
Lack of Communication: There’s usually minimal or no communication about why the distance is being maintained.
Emotional Disconnection: Emotional cut-off can result in a significant disconnection, sometimes leading to unresolved issues and lingering resentments.
Rigid Boundaries: The separation tends to be more rigid and less flexible, often with a lack of effort to understand or negotiate the terms of the relationship.
Potential for Regret: There can be regret or unresolved feelings later, as the issues remain unaddressed.
Example: Deciding not to speak to a sibling for years after a disagreement without trying to resolve the conflict or understand each other's perspectives.
Key Differences:
Intent: Healthy boundaries are about respectful engagement and self-care, while emotional cut-off is often about avoidance and disengagement.
Communication: Healthy boundaries involve clear and open communication, whereas emotional cut-off typically involves silence or minimal interaction.
Resolution: Healthy boundaries aim to address and manage issues constructively, while emotional cut-off tends to leave issues unresolved.
Balancing boundaries and emotional needs can be challenging, but focusing on open communication and mutual respect helps in maintaining healthy relationships while taking care of oneself.
At the end of the day, it is good that conversations about family boundaries are being talked about. This used to be highly taboo in the Philippine setting. But as we deepen this discussion, it is also as important that we think about boundaries as having many different types, with some types healthier than others.
Do you need help navigating boundaries in your family. Childfam-Possibilities Psychosocial Services offers individual, couple and family counseling/therapy sessions both online and onsite at our West Avenue, Quezon City center. To book a schedule you can email us at kumusta@childfampossibilities.com.
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